you look right past

There are so many awkward situations that I can conjure up in my brain right now that could happen. Awkward situations are usuallly funny to me and I even make things awkward sometimes to laugh about it later, but this is not funny at all. This is painful.

I will never conform for so many various reasons but the biggest one is this: it doesn't allow me to be with the people I want to be with. I would have been with you by now for maybe even a few years if I didn't let my dumb friends tell me you weren't cool. If I didn't swallow their words and let them sit in my stomach instead of letting them go to my brain so I could think of you in my own way, we would have been together. We would have been great with each other. I let the rumors get to me. I let doing "whats right" stop me from leaving him to get to you. I regret this so much. I will forever be different, whether you like it or not.

I saw a lot of rich bitches in the Novi mall today, boys and girls, and it made me feel sick about society for the hundreth time this week.

I did get to people watch though, which was fun. I'm thrilled about this week and hanging out with friends and getting to fufill my weird sleeping habits without having to worry about stupid LATEC and school in general.

Night terrors are the scariest things for the people who experiance them. Recently, I've learned my dad had them in his late teens through his early twenties, and now I have them. Its so bad that I get out of bed screaming bloody murder and I've even tried to jump out of my window in my sleep.

I figure this is yet another reason I don't sleep at night. Awesome. Goodnight.

I've got the breath of the last cigarette on my teeth.

That statement above is not true because I rarely ever smoke, just to clear that up.

The worst feeling ever is always when you feel like you were a mistake, for any reason. I feel like that because of you, but the worst thing is I don't feel like you were a mistake at all. I will forever be the girl that screwed part of you up and I'm sorry.

You weren't a mistake to me.

I'll admit it.

A few nights ago I had a dream that I was at the edge of a building. I felt myself crying. Most people look down, anxiety ridden in movies you see. They're contemplating taking their lives into their own hands, but me, I was looking up. I looked up`at the sky. I remember trying to find consellations. I remember looking at the stars and then falling. I layed down in the air and looked up in the stars and didn't ever hit the ground. It made me think about life, I love dreams like that I suppose.

What was I doing around this time last night? I wish life had a replay button.

For once, I took advantage of what was right there in front of me. Loss of self control, yes. But am I dissapointed? Not in the least bit. Maybe a little bit with you because you'll never be serious and you don't show people who sweet you actually are. I don't know if we both wish it, but I honestly do, I wish I was yours I think I always have and for some reason I always play hard to get with you. You wanted to know how I felt? Thats it right there.



I'm having a "I want to die moment" right now.
I am sleep deprived and in pain.
Fetal position with my eyes closed in the dark.
No pun intended.

Today, almost everythng I said was followed by, "no pun intended" or "thats kinky". Two totally awkward and funny things to say. Its reminds me of like eighth grade when saying "in bed" after everything was funny. Which it still is, well maybe not to you. I don't suffer from multiple personality disorder, just multiple age disorder. I have like flashbacks from different ages. Its cool.

Don't you hate laughing when your abs already hurt and you feel like you're going to crap your intestines out? A little too graphic, but for real.

I always have icy icy hands.

I haven't posted in awhile! But I am wide awake and in a great mood. I'm also sick of filling up notebook after notebook, I'm going to get carpal tunnel either way. This has been all a dream. Like I remember it but it seems like it didn't happen. Maybe my mind is making up shit because I can't sleep.

Heres my advertisment of the day, I'm kidding, don't do this its my thing:
You want to know something awesome to do in the hallways at school? Are you sick of people shoving you and shoulder bumping you? ME TOO! So I made up elbow terrorising, and you can even do it when you're carrying books! All you do is put your hand on your hip and stick your elbow out. When you walk down the hallways and people aren't paying attention you'll give them a nice love tap. And you know whats even better? When they A) look at you funny/give you a dirty look or B) do it back. Actually, nobodys done this back yet but now that you all know, I'm expecting a whole lot of bruising. I pat myself on the back for my passive aggressive ways.

I love not making plans! Thats why when people ask me if I want to hang out I normally reply with I don't know, hoping maybe somebody will think like me one day. Some friends I have to make plans with because they really don't get it. But, usually I like drop hints and am like hey I'm at walmart. Or say I'm somewhere and one day when finally somebody gets that its more like me saying run into me there!" It'll be so funny! Even if I do look like crap, I love seeing my minions and people I love. I also love seeing people in like random places. Like, if I visit an antique shop and someone is there that I know, I always go and talk to them. Those people that like awkwardly say hi to you and then walk away and then awkwardly see you in the store over and over again are no fun! So, its better to just go up and talk to the badass. Whats the worse that can happen?!