you look right past

There are so many awkward situations that I can conjure up in my brain right now that could happen. Awkward situations are usuallly funny to me and I even make things awkward sometimes to laugh about it later, but this is not funny at all. This is painful.

I will never conform for so many various reasons but the biggest one is this: it doesn't allow me to be with the people I want to be with. I would have been with you by now for maybe even a few years if I didn't let my dumb friends tell me you weren't cool. If I didn't swallow their words and let them sit in my stomach instead of letting them go to my brain so I could think of you in my own way, we would have been together. We would have been great with each other. I let the rumors get to me. I let doing "whats right" stop me from leaving him to get to you. I regret this so much. I will forever be different, whether you like it or not.

I saw a lot of rich bitches in the Novi mall today, boys and girls, and it made me feel sick about society for the hundreth time this week.

I did get to people watch though, which was fun. I'm thrilled about this week and hanging out with friends and getting to fufill my weird sleeping habits without having to worry about stupid LATEC and school in general.

Night terrors are the scariest things for the people who experiance them. Recently, I've learned my dad had them in his late teens through his early twenties, and now I have them. Its so bad that I get out of bed screaming bloody murder and I've even tried to jump out of my window in my sleep.

I figure this is yet another reason I don't sleep at night. Awesome. Goodnight.

I've got the breath of the last cigarette on my teeth.

That statement above is not true because I rarely ever smoke, just to clear that up.

The worst feeling ever is always when you feel like you were a mistake, for any reason. I feel like that because of you, but the worst thing is I don't feel like you were a mistake at all. I will forever be the girl that screwed part of you up and I'm sorry.

You weren't a mistake to me.

I'll admit it.

A few nights ago I had a dream that I was at the edge of a building. I felt myself crying. Most people look down, anxiety ridden in movies you see. They're contemplating taking their lives into their own hands, but me, I was looking up. I looked up`at the sky. I remember trying to find consellations. I remember looking at the stars and then falling. I layed down in the air and looked up in the stars and didn't ever hit the ground. It made me think about life, I love dreams like that I suppose.

What was I doing around this time last night? I wish life had a replay button.

For once, I took advantage of what was right there in front of me. Loss of self control, yes. But am I dissapointed? Not in the least bit. Maybe a little bit with you because you'll never be serious and you don't show people who sweet you actually are. I don't know if we both wish it, but I honestly do, I wish I was yours I think I always have and for some reason I always play hard to get with you. You wanted to know how I felt? Thats it right there.



I'm having a "I want to die moment" right now.
I am sleep deprived and in pain.
Fetal position with my eyes closed in the dark.
No pun intended.

Today, almost everythng I said was followed by, "no pun intended" or "thats kinky". Two totally awkward and funny things to say. Its reminds me of like eighth grade when saying "in bed" after everything was funny. Which it still is, well maybe not to you. I don't suffer from multiple personality disorder, just multiple age disorder. I have like flashbacks from different ages. Its cool.

Don't you hate laughing when your abs already hurt and you feel like you're going to crap your intestines out? A little too graphic, but for real.

I always have icy icy hands.

I haven't posted in awhile! But I am wide awake and in a great mood. I'm also sick of filling up notebook after notebook, I'm going to get carpal tunnel either way. This has been all a dream. Like I remember it but it seems like it didn't happen. Maybe my mind is making up shit because I can't sleep.

Heres my advertisment of the day, I'm kidding, don't do this its my thing:
You want to know something awesome to do in the hallways at school? Are you sick of people shoving you and shoulder bumping you? ME TOO! So I made up elbow terrorising, and you can even do it when you're carrying books! All you do is put your hand on your hip and stick your elbow out. When you walk down the hallways and people aren't paying attention you'll give them a nice love tap. And you know whats even better? When they A) look at you funny/give you a dirty look or B) do it back. Actually, nobodys done this back yet but now that you all know, I'm expecting a whole lot of bruising. I pat myself on the back for my passive aggressive ways.

I love not making plans! Thats why when people ask me if I want to hang out I normally reply with I don't know, hoping maybe somebody will think like me one day. Some friends I have to make plans with because they really don't get it. But, usually I like drop hints and am like hey I'm at walmart. Or say I'm somewhere and one day when finally somebody gets that its more like me saying run into me there!" It'll be so funny! Even if I do look like crap, I love seeing my minions and people I love. I also love seeing people in like random places. Like, if I visit an antique shop and someone is there that I know, I always go and talk to them. Those people that like awkwardly say hi to you and then walk away and then awkwardly see you in the store over and over again are no fun! So, its better to just go up and talk to the badass. Whats the worse that can happen?!

champangne for my real friends, pain for my sham friends

The cutting my hair or shaving it idea hasn't gotten out of my head yet. So, since that has happened, I am now going to do one of those numbers to my head. Not sure which one yet, we will see. I'm nervous though. I don't usually get nervous about what people think about what I do but this time yeah I do. Nobody wants to get called dyke or get automatically labeled manly or lesbian when you're into guys and you like girly stuff. At the same time, I don't really care but I just don't feel like dealing with shit from assholes. I think thats what it is. I'm not scared of getting hurt. It would only hurt if someone I cared about said something thats supposed to be hurtful.

I probably talk about music entirely too much but I'm listening to the mountain goats right now and hes talking about like what hes doing without his significant other, and it reminds me a lot of my situation for the past few months. So many new old experiances. You get so accustom to doing things with that person that doing things without them is excruchiating and painful sometimes. I didn't go to church for about a month and a half because of all that and when I did I basically sobbed privately in the preschool bathroom for three fourths of the service. But all the big hurdles are over for me. I'm glad I was strong enough to suck it up and stick it out. Its brought so many wonderful people and feelings and memories. I still wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Not even close.

Wondering what aliens are thinking about right now when they're using their super cameras to look through windows. Or brain radios to listen to what minds are thinking. Maybe they're nocturnal. I'd rather look at the moon instead of the sun myself. Well, if I had a choice to look at the sun without going blind that is. I would also rather have clouds and rain rather than heat and sun. I'm not "goth" I swear. Just opposite. I wouldn't quite say unique. Because ironically, everyone is unique.

I find myself wishing I didn't worry about zombie attacks all the time. During the day I worry about that. Then at night I worry about an "I Am Legend" freak jumping up on my roof, smashing through my window, and instantely killing me and my dogs.

Now you don't wonder why I have insomnia.

google

I talk wayyyy too much and think too much too. I've just noticed they past few days. I'm not overpowering, but maybe I need to let others come up with cool shit to say rather than just me. "Just sayin" I'm seriously considering chopping a decent amount of hair off and shaving some too. Some might think thats gross, but I'm sick of looking normal and my abnormal hair color is just not enough. I feel boring. I think more people should be impulsive in this way, it would make the world more interesting to look at, don't you think? I'm listening to old fall out boy and its putting me in a great mood. Like a I want to get shit done mood. Or like makeout with someone? It seems freakish to me and I'm the one that actually feels that way. My brain is falling out of my ears little by little I sweearrrr. Hell on ice!

Its really nice to hang out with Jessyka again. Toodles

I never want to leave when I do, I never want to leave when I do. Everytime I leave you cry stay by my side.

I am listening to such beautiful music lately. Check out the song below, its by Good Old War and its exceptional. Moving on though, I've been SO HAPPY lately. I think its because I've started to face the facts. Those being that I am likeable, nobody really hates me, and because of this I am talking to a lot more people. Which is just awesome. I love everybody in my life right now. I might even have a legit liking for somebody, but I don't trust myself with that quite yet so we'll see. People-wise, its going good. School-wise, I hate it and its tiring but I'm passing and on my way to graduate. Which is awesome. Then I can start my real life.

A few random things happened to me today. Firstly, I had Ronald Mcdonald hair unintentionally today. I thought it was the worst thing in the world and that I should put a bag over my head, but it turned out better than I thought. I kind of hope it stays beastly. But if I calms down I won't be too upset either. Then I unintentionally demolished a rat brain, which I never thought I'd do unless I turned zombie, but even then it would be human brains. I also found myself in a pickle for my journal entries, so I somehow came up with the topic of human hygenine. Letting my teacher know that Marie Antonettes husband only took a bath twice in his life and I also went on to wonder who invented gum if they didn't even care enough about their hygenine, who needs fresh breath to get freaky with the royals!



Oh baby you should know I trust you.
And baby you should know I miss you.
But everytime you leave i cry,
Stay by my side.

Just because I've gone away,
Doesn't mean I'll be gone forever.
Theres a point in our love,
From across the world.

I never want to leave when I do (don't walk away)
I never want to leave when I do (stay with me)
Everytime I leave you cry
Stay by my side.

i hope i cut myself shaving tommorow, i hope it bleeds all day. our friends say that its darkest before the sun rises.

Since I can't talk about family problems on here because SOMEONE will read it and tell my parents all I have to say is one inappropriate thing and I'm done,

YOU ARE ALL f***HEADS I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT MY DEGUS.

you are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand.

Gosh! I just can't get enough of Mumford and Sons as of now! I've been listening to it for days now. I also am loving The Mountain Goats. MG is an old band that I forgot about though and I just picked back up again. But music is filling me up full lately. My facebook is not working either, and its just my facebook. Like, its not my internet obviously because I'm on here and Grooveshark, so thats weird.

Today was decent. I realized how attracted I actually was to a certain someone, hah. Do you ever have that happen to you? Like all of the sudden you're talking to somebody or walking with them and then it just suddenly hits you. My thought when this happened was "Holy shit, now thats what I was waiting for." When this happens with somebody new, it makes me feel so alive. Then reality kicks me in the ass and is like "Hey there, he has a girfriend. Don't want to ruin that, huh?" I'm never and not ever going to be mean enought to take someone away from someone else unless its like extreme circumstances. I really don't know what the situation would have to be to do that though. HAH, so then you start feeling like a fool all over again, except this time I kind of didn't. Because I felt like something was actually going to happen someday. With time. That reality is just telling me I'm not ready for that yet. At least I think thats what it is. I have hope, I always do no matter how bad it might hurt me later. So that feeling made me kindof start believing in love again?

I'm eating McDonalds right now. I like it but I feel gross. I wonder if theres a disorder where you think your teeth are rotting out of your head constantely. Or you think you're going to get a cavity with like everything you eat. If there is a phobia like that, I definately have it. Everytime I drink pop or like go out to eat and eat something bad, my teeth feel like they're rotting. Like, it feels like they're slowly decaying and theres nothing I can do about it. And I think I brush my teeth a little too much when I'm at home. And when I'm somewhere else, I sneak in a few brushes when I'm "going to the bathroom". This is all pretty pathetic, but its the truth. After you've had braces for days on end, its hard not to think like that. If this isn't the case, I must be freaking insane.

Freaky Eaters

Can you imagine drinking like 30 cans of cola a day? Or imagine eating raw meat by the chunk? I almost can feel my teeth rotting away from sugar. I can see me going to the dentist and having them remove my decayed teeth. I can see me going to the doctor for medicene to get rid of the tapeworm I've acquired from eating like a wolf. No cola or meat for me anymore. I'd be a fish, I'd eat veggies and drink water.

Its so weird how different you look at others when you hear how about how they've treated someone. When a person tells you somebody treated them bad or put them in a bad place. When somebody tells you albout how a person made you laugh, cry, hurt, love, scream, sing. You think of them in a way you never had before. When someone asks me if you were good at something and I tell them yes, they laugh. They say they'll never look at you the same. My feelings will get the best of me someday. My wall is getting weaker every sleepless night.

Night is when the enemy, the emotions, sneak attacks and goes for my heart first. Then my heart screams, my brain hears it up through my esophogus and my head hurts for my heart. The warriors try to escape by leaving my body through the tears. The tears get to my sleeping dogs and makes them feel as if they need to treat me. The dogs try to protect me but my heart keeps screaming, my head keeps hurting, and the warriors eventually come no more. When will the end of the war come? When will love and piece prevail? You tell me and you'll be my hero forever.

plagues.

Plagues are not just sickeness in epidemic form. Plagues are memories that hurt you over and over again. Dremers are constantely sick with "plague." I am plagued. I want you out of my dreams, my hopes, my prayers, and aspirations. I want you out of my future since I'm not in any of your dreams anymore. When will all of this plague leave? When will I be well again?

stuff from school.

Did I ever think about my future without you? No. I firmly believed you would always be with me. Boy was I wrong. You're not there when I'm gone anymore. You're not there to make me feel beautiful, talk to me, make me feel smart, or make me feel worth something more than I ever dreamed. So whats next? Are you going to stop acknowledging my existance?

Because of you I don't know whether love even exists. Love is a lie. Love means you don't leave. ve means you work out whatever is wrong. Love is when you "change" together. I loved. You didn't. I asked you so many times if you meant it. You lied. You led me to believe your lie. You're the only one that has ever done that to me. I will never let this happen again.

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

You make me happy when skies are gray.

To bad I have nobody to sing that song to anymore.

Anyways, I have heard the unfortunate news that there is always going to be that one person you just want to strangle, even when you graduate highschool, from my mom today. Maybe I just thought being an adult and going to my career was going to be like sunshine daisies. But reality kicked my ass again and told me different. That seems to be happening to me more and more lately. Maybe that just starts happening when and after your eighteenth birthday is coming up. I need to get a real job. I really can't wait until I can work nights. Then my sleeping problems would be solved.


Don't you wish everyday was like going to Cedar Point? Stimulating. Observant. Fun. Too bad school ruins that. Its not stimulating because of the white walls. The same shit fed to you, a different day of the week. Not too much room to be observant because you see almost the same people everyday except for like the freshman. But after a week you get annoyed and bored of them. Also, at CP, you see a whole bunch of AWESOME tattoos and outfits. You see attractive people from different states. You wonder what they're thinking. Or what they've checked out so far. What they've been on. Where they got that funky scar under their eye. You know, that kind of cool stuff. Everyday should be like CP. But its not.

I'm done for now.