I'm actually a little offended for once.

this is not about you or the stranger sitting to my left.

this is the way I felt when you left my hanging on every noun, verb, adjective that came rolling off your tounge as you spoke your bittersweet nothings.

you deleted me from your life just as easily as you did off your facebook.

time wasted dwelling over how to make you like me.

unessesary insecurites because of your fears

choking in your throat and spilling out into insults headed in my direction.

the strength for me to move on came from you leaving me.

trying to hurt me discretely forever would have been your best bet,

but you choose to try to hurt me publicly,

and that, my dearest, horribly sickening disease, is something that will not do with me.

what a catch.

If I could make you see under my skin, what crawls in my veins, breaks my bones, punctures my heart, devours my soul, and what leaves a gaping hole in my brain, breathing would be a foreign task.

Things you should know about me now.

• I'm becoming more caring, understanding, and sentimental towards people. Its a process, but I'm getting the hang of it.
• Out of all my "friends" I used to care about I only have about five I even care about anymore, suck off, (welp that just contradicts the first statement)
• Nothing matters more to me then trying to figure out what I want out of life when the summer ends. Its already leaving a bittersweet taste in my mouth.
• My insomnia is almost gone, either that or I'm staying up so late from work that me sleeping in is me thinking I'm actually sleeping now.
• My confidence level is through the roof I just need my hairs to grow.
• I wouldn't stop any of this if I could. You wanna know why? Because no matter how soft I get, I'm always going to kick you and life in the ass and then kiss your face later.
• I'm free of the asshole thats been tormenting me since spring break and it felt good just to RIP on him and not give a DAMN about how he felt for once.
• This fall is going to be great all because of Lansing.
• I still can't believe I have my high school diploma I feel like crying everytime I see it.
• I'm still only open about certain things, such as me hating you, but not about my sex life.

mark my words

whether its water from the sky or water from my eyes,
you're always in my brain and always wanted through your lies.
I'm seeing the way you hate me and the way they all stare.

I'm feeling the lies through your lines.
Like death chills your spine.
You'll never come back to that but you'll come back to me.

ruined.

I don't believe in love, so don't try to make me fall for your amber eyes.

My hearts literally cold even for my friends nowadays. I can't stand it when people utter the words "I love you, " to me. You don't know whats in my mind and if you did you wouldn't "love me."

Secretly, I'm hoping you'll show me what it really is, but until then, I don't believe in love. People are interesting, and I love them but they don't love me. Thats how it is for now.

wasted

I CANNOT BELIEVE I WASTED ALMOST HALF MY ADOLESCENCE ON YOU.

You are not even worth the grime off the bottom off my shoe. Your new skank shows me your hypocrisy. I could always see right through you, its disgusting that I thought I was in love. I'm so mad at myself.

favorite things

my constellation/star sign.

me and my twin are hot, I know.

I did this in my English class today, in front of everyone.

Dig it.

the northern lights, both of these are in canada.

the moon is so beautiful.

the boys in my trio/band are really the only ones that

will ever be good enough to me to even consider dating.

ok go! enough said.

acceptance and rejection

I can't wait until this week is over. I just want to crawl in a hole and die already. List of things that probably make me a sad person/list of things that probably shouldn't happen:

1. If someone ever learned some Buddy Holly for me, played guitar and sang awesome along with it, I'd automatically hop into bed with them.


2. I laughed during the whole church service today and couldn't take anything they said seriously AND kept making dirty jokes in up in my head about the whole service.


3. No matter how hard I try, I always fall for artists and muscians. Its gross.


4. Sometimes I go to the bathroom but not really GO to the bathroom or have a cigarette just to be by myself when I'm with other people.


5. I don't facebook creep, I youtube creep.


6. I've been in love with the same guy since fifth grade, and hes not a celebrity.


7. I hate everyone today.


8. I think spitting on people I hate is okay, when really thats not okay in any circumstance.


9. I like hearing myself sing, when I'm in the car by myself I don't even turn the radio on. I just sing.


10. This blog.

Yep, this weekend was messed up.

True Love Ways - Buddy Holly ( Cover )

I said that.

"Theres nothing more attractive than a no bullshit attitude, but a sense of humor is something you need to get you through life too, you know?"

save your own skin.

the complexity of your body on mine, the feeling of holding my breath until the end of time. inhale in the black smoke of your lies, inhale in the clean air of your smiles, exhale the words all spill out, exhale more they go from your ears to the floor.

I've got your letter, you've got my song

Heres the "low down on my life" :

1. I am realizing how hard growing up actually is. I don't like it but I'm going to try to push forward and get through highschool so I can live up to my potential in college.


2. I have had so much drama in just this week I've literally thought about throwing myself down a flight of stairs multiple times. I hate bitch problems and girls. Call me butch, but I love boys SO much more.


3. I lost a huge check. I'm so pissed at myself. My dad blames it on me not going to church and not being "strong in my faith". I blame it on me being a dumbass and not having a purse with a zipper on it.


4. I also managed to loose my glasses, hence why I'm so pissy this week, I CAN'T SEE A DAMN THING. Not cool, ever.


5. I spit on someone today. I've never felt so alive and nasty in my life.


6. LAST THING TO LOOSE THIS WEEK HOPEFULLY, one of my degus is on the loose. Shes either dead or running around outside somewhere. So if anybody wants a cute little critter, let me know. I might just give the remaining one to the library if Tilly doesn't come back, she is so sad alone.

I'm also falling for some weird ass with an awesome vibe and smile. I am still considering just doing crap and not getting into a relationship though. I run, I hide and I run some more, again.

Being vague and honest are my two best qualities as of now.

I dyed my hair again, not because I got bored, because I actually hated having blonde hair. Oh yeah, and to piss my mom off. I love her to pieces but I don't like my blonde hair.

My social life is STILL stressing me out and giving me chin zits, not cool.

be okay

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grind, daily.

This weekend was NUTS. Let me just give you a briefing on what occured.

Friday, I was rushed around afterschool to go to a show at Mac's Bar in Lansing. I rode in a trunk with WH everywhere we went, attempted to play chess in the trunk, got accidentely high off gas fumes, (we didn't know the can had fume-age until Jake told us to hand him the can and then the can was about to explode.) almost had my first upchuck in the bar, got mulitple bruises from "brutal" skankers and moshers and crazed fans, got spit on, got sweat thrown on me, talked to beautiful boys with beautiful stretched ears, met several of the band members, then I got to spend the night with my lovely girlfriend, Milly. I didn't shower until the next morning, which is disgusting because I was covered with nasty shit and sweat and it was gross. I don't think I've ever felt more relieved to get in the shower in the morning.

Well, maybe I'm being a little dramatic about the shower thing,
I've gone to shows in the summer, and thats about as nasty & sweat covered you can get.

Saturday, I just barely got home when I was inspired to go get things for my stupid, waste of effort senior project. So, I called my right hand hoe and got ready at her house to go to brighton. We picked WH and Sublime up and took their asses with our asses. One of two miracles happened to me during this time,

#1) I lost my liscense in Milanas car I guess, so my checks weren't working at PetSmart and my idiodic minions were off looking at some exotic fish shit, so in the midst of my freaking out, the guy behind me payed for my degu's chew toys. I started crying from being so happy and relieved. This made me realize how good the world actually is sometimes and I felt so greatful.

#2) Went through the Starbucks drivethrough and right when I got to the window a very attractive guy started talking to me like we've known eachother for years. The last thing I said to him? "Oh, I mean, you don't look old, you look like you're like 21 though." This is stupid of me and I should be beat with a bat many times because I should have asked for his number.

So after our trip to Brighton, Morgz and me came home, ate several pickles, played battleship&Clue then ate dinner with her family and the boys.

I made her go for a walk, two actually. Tyler too. Then I proceeded to mack on some kid that has the same music taste as me to the tee and is a libra, both are such attractive traits that when I'm around him I don't know what to do with myself. Being around a fellow air sign is refreshing. Hes also quiet so hes hard to figure out.

In any case, hes intriguing and a hillarious sleeper.
I don't know if I'd ever make out with him though.
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Sunday, Came home from Morgz house and hung out with my sister all day.


This weekend was boss. I'd replay it over and over again if I could.

the truth is

I wish so badly I could hate you. I would never talk to you again because I don't talk to people I don't like and I surely don't talk to people I hate.

I wish I could love you, you deserve that from me, but I don't feel the same way. I don't ever think I will love you. I don't ever think I'll be good enough for you anyways.

I wish I never would have permed my hair, its hard to be looked at so weirdly sometimes, even if it does make me "different".

discovery

How am I supposed to tell you no when I like boy attention?

I complain about you all the time and I have other guys that pay PLENTY of attention to me. Shit I could even be with one of them right now if I wanted to. But here I sit, pissed and happy with you wishing when you kissed me it wasn't out of spite of her and wishing you'd just stop fucking around with me. I don't find it cool at all that you make me feel so good and so bad. But mostly just bad.

I wish I were as mean as I put myself out to be.

I could sleep well if only I tried

Sometimes, I hate boys and wish I really were lesbian. Like seriously, I wish the rumors that spread because of my hair were true. It would be easier, but then again not because I'd have a bitch problem all day everyday because of a girl friend. I guess that happens when you have boyfriends too. This is why fwbs are good and I've made out with 63 people.

Can't sleep as usual.

Heavy Duty Rear Suspension

Found the title of the blog on one of my old english papers. I'm pretty sure me and Ketchup were talking about my teachers ass, so thats great.

This weekend seems never ending, in a good way. If we have school tommorow I'm going to try to throw myself down the stairs and cause bodily harm to myself just so I don't have to go. That seems a little dramatic but seriously, I will. Either that or I'll trip down the stairs on accident, I seem to do that a good once every two weeks anyways so maybe tommorow will be another lucky day in a day in the life of a professional klutz.

I just want to lay in bed and catch narcolepsy so I'll have a reason to not wake up or go to school and appreatiate my friends more and life more in general when I was awake. I would have vivid dreams and just drift off whenever my body said its time. Narcolepsy would be great.

age of aquarius

I've always been careful with choosing my words especially if I need them to sting someone. What I mean by that is, I'll say something to get someone to get them to think about what I said then when they read it AND later when they think about what I said. I don't want them to think about me, I want them to think about the sentence. The meaning. The change they should consider. The friends they should keep. The dignity they should hold on to. Anything like that. I want it to sting and leave when they get what they need to get done, done.

Aries, I hope you start knowing what you need instead of just talking about with what you want, SOON. Everyone tells me to stop waiting up for you and that I'm going to get burned. I don't think thats going to happen but I don't want it to happen either. I'm going to have to face my fears when we're ready and maybe by then you'll have sucked it up and at least got it in your head. You need to realize what you're missing, its me. Not her or her or her or her or even him. Its me. Why do you think you don't hate anything about me.. ? Your logical mind is looking around whats right there. Instead of singing the Taylor Swift song, look into it and look for the girl that feels the way she did when she wrote it, ME. me me me me me me me, ME.


I just love astrology so much lately. I still look for colors but when I first meet someone I almost immediately ask "when is your birthday?" just so I can figure them out more than I normally do. I am an Aquarius and proud although my sign is the most annoying of the zodiac.

I don't like Virgos. Sorry.


My lifes been changing lately, my outlook too. A lot of things won't go "my way" until I graduate and grow up a little. Its funny to think I wanted to be 18 for so long, now I just want to be 13.

But like I said, this year is definately my year, changes and all.